Day 26

Today it hit me. Holycrapimgettingmarriedin1monthand25daysandthereissomuchtodo. Where have I been for the last 3 months?

Dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder and fighting each day to stay alive, happy, and healthy. Oh.

I feel like I have been gypped of the some of the most exciting months of my life. My bridal shower is next week. I should be getting antsy and excited about it (which I am), but mostly I am worried about how I am going to deal with the crowd and attention (please don't mistake this for being ungratful, which I am not in the least. I am super grateful for my family and friends, and everyone who has spent hours and hours putting work into making a special day for me).

I just want my life back. I want to go back to school, not rely on medication to keep me from trying to harm myself, not always want/need to sleep, and enjoy my life. I miss feeling like a "whole" person, but I think I am slowly getting there. I want my old life back so badly that I get angry most days (not like the "why me?" kind of angry; more like "okay, it's time to get better and move on and be 100% again").

Pleasure: Today I attended church with my fiance (even though it was really, really, really hard to face the crowd of people, and I almost attemped to jump out of the car on the way there because I was so nervous). There is nothing like holding the hand of my future husband as we grow in our faith together.
Pray: Today I prayed for my best friend, Michael, who is out of town visiting family. I miss her a lot, and hope she enjoys her time away. I got to talk to her briefly today; she told me she prayed for me during Sundance (I think that is where she is). Our conversation got cut off by my phone being dumb, but I cried. Her faith is so beautiful, and I love her prayers. I like to think that's one of the reasons why I am feeling better today (between that and going to church for the first time in months).
Love: Today I helped my mom clear the table after lunch. She makes the best lasagna.

Love love love to each and all of you.