Last Post: Hello & Goodbye!

I know this is super belated; I suppose I just no longer feel the need to write anymore. Except now.

It's time to say "Hello!" to the future, and "Goodbye!" to the past. Since my last post, I've married my best friend (the very best day of my life), signed up for classes to finish my nursing degree, have a full-time job, and can successfully leave my house most days (and soon my husband and I will have our own!).

(Photo courtesy of Afton Huntley)

The lessons I've learned along this painful, but necessary journey are simple ones. One I think is most summed up by these lyrics:

"When every little thing that I have dreamed would be just slips away like water through my hands

And when it seems the walls of my beliefs are crashing down like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh, You’re not shaken"


The second by this verse:

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future. -Ecclesiastes 7:14

Just because your 5-year plan doesn't go accordingly, or your life turns out to be nothing like you imagined, it's not really a bad thing, cause there's this really awesome dude Upstairs who knows what He's doing.

I'm not saying I don't have my bad days; making the decision to get up and face the day is still something I struggle with sometimes. I have good days, and I have bad days, but my days are numbered and I will do my darnedest to enjoy my life and be the success that my God has planned for me to be.

Thanks for following this crazy journey with me. Goodbye all!

Day whatever... I mean, Day 39

Hello world! Yes, I do, in fact, still exist! Life has been full of rainbows and butterflies lately, which is why I haven't blogged (not really, but it seems like it compared to how most of my summer has been).

My psychiatrist says I am a miracle. He told me that during our last appointment; that he's so pleased and happy that I am somehow still alive, and not only alive, but flourishing. I think it has a lot to do with this blog. I was thinking about why I don't blog as much (and part of it is because I am really busy working a full-time job, a side-business, and getting ready for my wedding). I essentially narrowed it down to the fact that I don't need my blog to keep me going anymore. See, before I started to get better, I would keep going because I knew I had to write something the next day. I would plan what I would write about, and giving myself a "job" per se, kept me slightly motivated to get through the day. (I'm not sure if any of that made sense).

These days I am lighter, happier, and people close to me say the "old me" is making her appearance (for good, I think). I am able to go to work every day, have my photography business, and somehow manage to have a little time, energy, and love to share with others. It's a beautiful thing. Sometimes I didn't think I would ever get my life back. I'm not saying I don't have my bad days, because I do. I certainly have a lot of issues to work through, but I can see the light at the end of this very long, dark, and angry tunnel. I'm gonna make it.

Pleasure: Today I had my wedding dress fitting, and ate ice cream for dinner.
Pray: Today I prayed for my family.
Love: Today I drove my mom home because she didn't feel well.

P.S. I haven't had a panic attack in a week and a half. I didn't even have one at my bridal shower even though there were lots of people and at some points I felt overwhelmed (my bridal shower was totally amazing by the way.  I have wonderful, talented, and giving family and friends- see them below? I love each and every one of them).

Day 31

Pleasure: Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I spent the day with my mom, th whole day- morning til dark, with her. We shopped for the wedding and my bridal shower tomorrow, talked, and laughed like I haven't in months. It was like "old times". (I see glimpses of the old me coming back more and more and longer and longer, and I grasp onto them every chance I get, but somehow the old me fades into the darkness and the bad part of me takes over).
Pray: Today I prayed for every love soul that has been with me on this crazy, rocky, rough roller coaster of life the past few months. It's not been easy; anyone know has been with me knows it. My friends, family, and doctors deserve so much thanks... way more than I could ever give, so I offer up my words of thanks and leave the blessing to God.
Love: Today I had a special conversation with my mom and thanked her from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me during the past few months.

Day 29

Pleasure: Today I watched the sun set as I drove home, igorning all phone calls and texts and everyone calling my name and just watched the sun set from purple to red. It was awesome.

Pray: Today I prayed for our (our being Logan and I's) future house. I can't get it off my mind this week. I go to pray for someone or something else and it's HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE.
Love: Today I gave my fiance extra kisses and thanked him for his hard work and sacrifices so that we can have a good life together soon. I loves him.

Day 28

Pleasure: Today I read a book during my lunch break (best 30 minutes ever).
Pray: Today I prayed for lots of things: our house, the realtor, the bank, my brother, my best friend, Logan, the people fixing the EMR at work.
Love: Today I helped a fellow employee at work so she could catch up.

Day 27

Today was one of the best days I've had in a while; not because of anything particular, though. I've been playing with the best times to take my medication since they impact my mood and ability to function. Today I figured out good times to take my meds, which resulted in a good mood when I have to be the most social (like after work in the evenings).

Pleasure: Today I spent family time at Logan's grandma's house. It was nice to see everyone when I felt semi-normal. Plus grandma makes the best peach pie ever.
Pray: Today I prayed for Logan and I's future house, wherever it is. We are getting married in less than 2 months and I was hoping to atleast have a tentatively set dwelling place for after we are married. I know God usually works at the last hour though, so I am not worried; it's just good to pray about things like that.
Love: Today I watched my pastor's youngest children while Logan fixed my pastor's wife's computer.

Day 26

Today it hit me. Holycrapimgettingmarriedin1monthand25daysandthereissomuchtodo. Where have I been for the last 3 months?

Dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder and fighting each day to stay alive, happy, and healthy. Oh.

I feel like I have been gypped of the some of the most exciting months of my life. My bridal shower is next week. I should be getting antsy and excited about it (which I am), but mostly I am worried about how I am going to deal with the crowd and attention (please don't mistake this for being ungratful, which I am not in the least. I am super grateful for my family and friends, and everyone who has spent hours and hours putting work into making a special day for me).

I just want my life back. I want to go back to school, not rely on medication to keep me from trying to harm myself, not always want/need to sleep, and enjoy my life. I miss feeling like a "whole" person, but I think I am slowly getting there. I want my old life back so badly that I get angry most days (not like the "why me?" kind of angry; more like "okay, it's time to get better and move on and be 100% again").

Pleasure: Today I attended church with my fiance (even though it was really, really, really hard to face the crowd of people, and I almost attemped to jump out of the car on the way there because I was so nervous). There is nothing like holding the hand of my future husband as we grow in our faith together.
Pray: Today I prayed for my best friend, Michael, who is out of town visiting family. I miss her a lot, and hope she enjoys her time away. I got to talk to her briefly today; she told me she prayed for me during Sundance (I think that is where she is). Our conversation got cut off by my phone being dumb, but I cried. Her faith is so beautiful, and I love her prayers. I like to think that's one of the reasons why I am feeling better today (between that and going to church for the first time in months).
Love: Today I helped my mom clear the table after lunch. She makes the best lasagna.

Love love love to each and all of you.