Day whatever... I mean, Day 39

Hello world! Yes, I do, in fact, still exist! Life has been full of rainbows and butterflies lately, which is why I haven't blogged (not really, but it seems like it compared to how most of my summer has been).

My psychiatrist says I am a miracle. He told me that during our last appointment; that he's so pleased and happy that I am somehow still alive, and not only alive, but flourishing. I think it has a lot to do with this blog. I was thinking about why I don't blog as much (and part of it is because I am really busy working a full-time job, a side-business, and getting ready for my wedding). I essentially narrowed it down to the fact that I don't need my blog to keep me going anymore. See, before I started to get better, I would keep going because I knew I had to write something the next day. I would plan what I would write about, and giving myself a "job" per se, kept me slightly motivated to get through the day. (I'm not sure if any of that made sense).

These days I am lighter, happier, and people close to me say the "old me" is making her appearance (for good, I think). I am able to go to work every day, have my photography business, and somehow manage to have a little time, energy, and love to share with others. It's a beautiful thing. Sometimes I didn't think I would ever get my life back. I'm not saying I don't have my bad days, because I do. I certainly have a lot of issues to work through, but I can see the light at the end of this very long, dark, and angry tunnel. I'm gonna make it.

Pleasure: Today I had my wedding dress fitting, and ate ice cream for dinner.
Pray: Today I prayed for my family.
Love: Today I drove my mom home because she didn't feel well.

P.S. I haven't had a panic attack in a week and a half. I didn't even have one at my bridal shower even though there were lots of people and at some points I felt overwhelmed (my bridal shower was totally amazing by the way.  I have wonderful, talented, and giving family and friends- see them below? I love each and every one of them).

Day 31

Pleasure: Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I spent the day with my mom, th whole day- morning til dark, with her. We shopped for the wedding and my bridal shower tomorrow, talked, and laughed like I haven't in months. It was like "old times". (I see glimpses of the old me coming back more and more and longer and longer, and I grasp onto them every chance I get, but somehow the old me fades into the darkness and the bad part of me takes over).
Pray: Today I prayed for every love soul that has been with me on this crazy, rocky, rough roller coaster of life the past few months. It's not been easy; anyone know has been with me knows it. My friends, family, and doctors deserve so much thanks... way more than I could ever give, so I offer up my words of thanks and leave the blessing to God.
Love: Today I had a special conversation with my mom and thanked her from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me during the past few months.

Day 29

Pleasure: Today I watched the sun set as I drove home, igorning all phone calls and texts and everyone calling my name and just watched the sun set from purple to red. It was awesome.

Pray: Today I prayed for our (our being Logan and I's) future house. I can't get it off my mind this week. I go to pray for someone or something else and it's HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE.
Love: Today I gave my fiance extra kisses and thanked him for his hard work and sacrifices so that we can have a good life together soon. I loves him.

Day 28

Pleasure: Today I read a book during my lunch break (best 30 minutes ever).
Pray: Today I prayed for lots of things: our house, the realtor, the bank, my brother, my best friend, Logan, the people fixing the EMR at work.
Love: Today I helped a fellow employee at work so she could catch up.

Day 27

Today was one of the best days I've had in a while; not because of anything particular, though. I've been playing with the best times to take my medication since they impact my mood and ability to function. Today I figured out good times to take my meds, which resulted in a good mood when I have to be the most social (like after work in the evenings).

Pleasure: Today I spent family time at Logan's grandma's house. It was nice to see everyone when I felt semi-normal. Plus grandma makes the best peach pie ever.
Pray: Today I prayed for Logan and I's future house, wherever it is. We are getting married in less than 2 months and I was hoping to atleast have a tentatively set dwelling place for after we are married. I know God usually works at the last hour though, so I am not worried; it's just good to pray about things like that.
Love: Today I watched my pastor's youngest children while Logan fixed my pastor's wife's computer.

Day 26

Today it hit me. Holycrapimgettingmarriedin1monthand25daysandthereissomuchtodo. Where have I been for the last 3 months?

Dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder and fighting each day to stay alive, happy, and healthy. Oh.

I feel like I have been gypped of the some of the most exciting months of my life. My bridal shower is next week. I should be getting antsy and excited about it (which I am), but mostly I am worried about how I am going to deal with the crowd and attention (please don't mistake this for being ungratful, which I am not in the least. I am super grateful for my family and friends, and everyone who has spent hours and hours putting work into making a special day for me).

I just want my life back. I want to go back to school, not rely on medication to keep me from trying to harm myself, not always want/need to sleep, and enjoy my life. I miss feeling like a "whole" person, but I think I am slowly getting there. I want my old life back so badly that I get angry most days (not like the "why me?" kind of angry; more like "okay, it's time to get better and move on and be 100% again").

Pleasure: Today I attended church with my fiance (even though it was really, really, really hard to face the crowd of people, and I almost attemped to jump out of the car on the way there because I was so nervous). There is nothing like holding the hand of my future husband as we grow in our faith together.
Pray: Today I prayed for my best friend, Michael, who is out of town visiting family. I miss her a lot, and hope she enjoys her time away. I got to talk to her briefly today; she told me she prayed for me during Sundance (I think that is where she is). Our conversation got cut off by my phone being dumb, but I cried. Her faith is so beautiful, and I love her prayers. I like to think that's one of the reasons why I am feeling better today (between that and going to church for the first time in months).
Love: Today I helped my mom clear the table after lunch. She makes the best lasagna.

Love love love to each and all of you.

Day 24/25

I noticed posts have been getting shorter and shorter each night for the past few days; I am more tired each time I sit down to write them, especially after working 8 hour days. Last night I crawled into bed and asked my mom, "Do I have to blog tonight? I am so tired." She told me no, so I fell quickly asleep. She said I didn't move all night (if you know my crazy sleeping habits, you would know this is a big deal), and slept right up until the time she work me up this morning to go shopping with my future mother-in-law (but I already call her mom).

Pleasure: Today I went shopping with my future mother-in-law for a dress to wear at the wedding. She found a beautiful dress, and it made me more excited about our wedding day coming up. I also found a skirt and dress pants for work at the thrift store for $9 total.
Pray: Today I prayed for Logan's brother, Adam. He is sad because a few of his close friends are moving away.
Love: Tonight I attempted to buy Logan some gummies for the candy store, but they (apparently) don't take VISA unless your purchase is over $5, so he had to pay cash for his candy himself (sorry babe, it's the thought that counts, right?).

Yesterday:

Pleasure: Yesterday I took a nap after work (for those who had ay contact with me yesterday evening, sorry. (I was tired. Tired = grouchy).
Pray: Today I prayed for my boss to have a restful weekend. Like my mom at her job and my boss at my previous job, I see her being pulled in 15 directions at once, and never getting her work done because she's too busy helping everyone else with theirs. I hope I'm not a boss one day. I'd be the underdog anyday.
Love: Today I stayed over a few minutes at work to get some extra things done.

Day 24

Today I realized my book, "Eat Pray Love" is officially lost. I can't find it anywhere (very sad face).

Pleasure: Today I listened to my favorite CD "Sodashop Classics" at work. I love oldies music so much.
Pray: Today I prayed for my mom.
Love: Today I double checked some filed for my boss, with a smile on my face (I am truely thankful for my job).

Day 23

Pleasure: Today I bought myself a Chick-fil-a cookies & cream milkshake after work. I earned it.
Pray: Today I prayed for someone I don't even know; I just heard their situation mention in a conversation. I wish him health.
Love: Today I held the door open for someone.

Day 22

Pleasure: Today I spent the morning/afternoon doing a gift registry for Logan and I's wedding with Aimee (I never thought we would be doing one at the same time; it's crazy!).
Pray: Today I put in a few job applications, and prayed for a job extra hard. Around 3 pm, I checked my e-mail and read that there was a temporary job opening until December (which makes it perfect because I go back to college in the January). To make a long story short (and to protect my and my soon-to-be employer's privacy), I got a great sounding job with lots of hours. I am so thankful. This is a huge blessing in Logan and I's life!

Love: Today I bought groceries for Logan (I love you, dear. Enjoy your tuna).

Proposal pics from yesterday (My baby brother, Frankie to his lucky girl, Aimee):

Frankie getting the lights ready.

The "?" blinked. It was pretty sweet.

I've never seen this girl smile so big. Of course, she's got good reason to smile... She's marrying my brother!

The first of many phone calls: "Mom, I'm engaged!"

Of course it's not "official" until it's on Facebook!

Day 21

Pleasure: Today I enjoyed a latte and the company of a friend in the morning, and a (well earned) nap in the afternoon.
Pray: Today I prayed blessings on my brother, Frankie and his (now) fiancee's engagement (it sounds so weird to be saying fiancee,, as they just got engaged today). They have a beautiful and rare love; when they are around each other they radiate still get googly-eyed (even after almost 4 years together). I am so proud of them for what they have now, and the success their future will bring. I prayed that God would give them stregnth and hope during bad times (like Logan and I are facing now; only, I never imagined we would have to fight so hard to keep "us" going through hard times- we've never had to fight so hard, and I can only hope Frankie and Aimee never have to go through this). I am one lucky girl. I have the best brother and soon to be sister-in-law (even though she's already my Sissy).
Love: Today I spent the majority of my day preparing for my brother to propose to Aimee (his now fiancee, as of 9 something pm). Aimee is a hoarder and fiend of all things Christmas, so Frankie planned to propose by spelling out "Will you marrry me?" in Christmas lights. We created a beautiful scene: Christmas music in the background, a Christmas tree lit with their decorations and twinkling clear lights, fake presents, and a candle-lit trail with red and white rose petals. At the end of the trail was "Will you marry me?" in colored Christmas lights (plugged in by Logan at the perfect time, thanks baby). Aimee couldn't have more surprised, as she showed up makeup-less in her shorty-shorts and Hooters tank top, while my brother was dressed up (for him anyway). I just hope my sniffles didn't distract from their moment ;) I will post pictures tomorrow.

Love to everyone.

Day 20

Pleasure: Today I watched my grandmother meet her first great-grandchild. Talk about a beautiful experience!

Pray: Today I prayed for my fiance, Logan. We have had a difficult time ever since I got sick. We are getting married in 2 months (and 1 day), and we are so excited, despite some really difficult circumstances. I pray that God gives Logan the patience and wisdom to deal with me each day. The way things are in my life right now makes it very hard for us to see and/or spend time together (I am agoraphobia most of the time, and I am always more comfortable in a household farther away than where his and my parents live). He works more than 1 job in order to be able to save to buy a house (we have a contract on one); praying to hear good new soon (er... than later). I am so thankful for him and all he's done to be there for me through the last couple of months. I love him so much, and just want things to be easier for him and better for us. We have a tough road ahead, but it's nothing God can't help us face together.

Love: Today I took and edited about 200 newborn photos as a gift to my cousin, Heidi. I think they came out well for my first time! Check out my photography blog soon to see more (I'm too tired to upload them tonight, plus I am finishing up editing a wedding and a few of Meghan's birth photos). Meghan is such an angel; sweet babes are truely miracle gifts from God (until they hit the terrible twos!).

Day 19

This post is brought to you by the makers of Seraquel and the doubled dose my doctor decided to prescribe yesterday. Please forgive me for any snide remarks, TMI, or things that makes no sense, because, honestly I am not sure which way is up and which way is down at this moment.

-Pleasure: Today I spent the morning alternating between napping and reading. Medication changes make me tired.
-Pray: Today I prayed for the family of a friend of mine who died in a car accident in highschool. I am not sure why God laid Sid's family on my heart, but I prayed for them nonetheless.
-Love: Today I cleaned out my brother's refridgerator, washed his dishes, and took out the trash. It's the least I could do for all he and his girlfriend, Aimee, have done for me.

Day 18

Today I saw my favoritest (I think I totally made up that word. Oh well). doctor (even though he usually makes me cry, not cause he's mean, but because of the topics we discuss). We talked about lots of things and changed some of my medications because I haven't been eating and sleeping well. I found out some happy news, and my doctor thinks I am making lots of progess (I do too).

Pleasure: Today I spent a few hours downtown with a friend from highschool, as I picked up my wedding jewelery (handmade pearl necklace from Stephanie, earrings from Simply Charming Boutique). I made Radley (long-time highschool friend) let me take pictures (Photography = therapy).. Annnd, I got coffee! (I miss my coffee buddy though; she is in NY, China, Indonesia-  It feels all the same to me).

Pray: Today I prayed for my cousin, Matthew, who is a United States Marine. We found out today that he was elected as a candidate for Marine of the Quarter. I am so proud of him, and pray God's loving hands and angels surround him wherever he goes.

Love: Today I tipped Stephanie a little (I wish I could do more) extra than what she charged me for the handmade necklace she made for my wedding day. I know how much time she put into hand-knotting the pearls and making sure everything was perfect, and she deserved it. As a photographer, I know about all the little, time consuming details that it takes to give someone a finished product (like for me, hand-editing each photo that takes hours. For Steph, it's hand-beading or knotting each pearl with love). People don't realize how much time goes into a craft, whatver it be, and I appreciated her making me exactly what I wanted (Thanks, Steph!).

Oh, and I feel I owe a big thanks to my other best little brother, Adam, for totally making my fancy photography website complete (I think).

Day 17

Today was the most amazing, exciting, exhausting, foodless, back-breaking, tear-jerking, and exhilarating day. Today I was a doula and photographer for the birth of my great-cousin, Meghan. She was born at 6:03 pm, weighing 7 lb 4.4 oz, and is 19 1/4 inches long. She has a head full of jet black afro hair. She is beautiful; everything about birth is mesmerizing to me. I texted earlier to a friend, "Oh my gosh. I love this. She {Heidi} is so beautiful in labor. I love rocking and moaning with her and telling her she is strong and beautiful and this contraction will come to an end."

Pleasure: Today I doula-ed and photographed the birth of my cousin's baby girl, Meghan Dianne.
Pray: Today I prayed for Meghan. The first time I held her I looked at her blueberry colored eyes head full of wavy brown hair, and admired her perfection. I closed my eyes, breathed in her scent, and prayed God's protection and blessing on her life. When I looked down at her, her eyes were closed and her face was relaxed like she was in prayer with me.

Love: Today I did my best to support my cousin, Heidi, during her very tough labor. I was so proud of her stregnth and bravery. She had a very difficult labor, but she made it through.

Welcome to the world, beautiful girl. We love you so much.

My turn to cuddle her! I could hold and stare at her all day. She is so perfect. Althought I don't want any children of my own anyt time soon, I can't wait to be a midwife, and I can't wait to be an aunt some day.

Day 16

I woke up today with many plans I never ended up doing, but my heart and my car lead me to my college campus (maybe because my gas light was on and there was a 7-11 nearby, who knows). As soon as I walked in, I saw the exact person I needed to talk to about taking a semester off of school. I know it was all a coincidental part of God's plan (oxymoron, huh?). I left our meeting feel at peace with my decision, but sad because I wanted so much to graduate with the few "original" girls I started freshman year with who are left (I was one of them, before I got sick). I will miss them so much, and wish them all the best. I will miss Lee's freakouts before an exam, teaching her to cook (actually to even boil water), and making her eat something healthier than Mountain Dew and Snickers for breakfast (I have always called her Bambi since freshman year and she calls me Mama. She was the first new friend I made at school). I will miss Kelli getting all the crazy and complicated patients (it's so true though). I will miss Jenny, even though she drives me absolutely insane with her tendancies to repeat herself a zillion times, and ask the same question 10,000 times over (you know I love you, Jenny, and you already knew you drive me crazy! I never thought I would miss this). The few (and by few I mean like 7 or 8 out of the 40 something that started the program freshman year) of us girl who are still on track from freshman year have created bonds and memories that you can only make in nursing school (like poop explosions, me passing out when I first put in a catheter, and certain professors driving us nuts, first patient deaths. Oh, and Medsurg. Sooooooo glad that is over.)

Pleasure: Today I had a venti skim white chocolate mocha with no whip from Starbucks (try saying that really fast ten times).
Pray: Today I prayed for a friend whose name I won't mention (just to protect her privacy). She confided in me that she had been struggling with her relationship with God lately, and is going through a rocky relationship with a long-time boyfriend.
Love: Today I took both my mom and Logan their favorite coffees (Mom: decaf skim mocha with whip. Logan: skim white chocolate mocha with no whip), and delivered a few "love notes".

Remember my "Pleasure" from yesterday, when I took photos of my pastor's 2 youngest? Here are my favorites from our 5 minute photoshoot.

Day 15

The moment I woke up today, I knew it was going to be a hard day. Today, I had planned a late morning chat with my pastor's wonderful wife, Melanie. Our talk was a great relief for me, I didn't necessarily expect that (not because I was scared of her or anything; just my fear of being judged by others for what I am going through). My soul felt so refreshed and ready to take on what I had been dreading for some time now after hearing her wise and compassionate words  (I'm getting to that later in this post). She reminds me so much of the person I was before I got sick (when I am whole and not broken inside). I knew the first time I met her, that we just clicked, and now I know it was for good reason.

This afternoon, I quit my job. I cannot say exactly why, other than that it has been hindering my healing process (I haven't been back to work regularly since May). I spent much time in prayer before making the decision to leave my job. I felt trapped by it in because I owed them for tuition assistance (they gave me a certain amount of money toward my college bill, as long as I promised to work and pay it back in work hours; like a dollar for every hour, I thnk). The meeting with my boss went easier than planned (probably because she is so so so wonderful, and I am still in so much pain that I can't cry, so there were no emotional tears to deal with). My boss was kind and understanding, which I knew she would be. She even helped me locate the person to speak with about my tuition. I am still not sure how, but I ended up not oweing my job any money for tuition assistance. I honestly thought I was going to owe them around $3000 before I could quit my job, but I don't owe a penny. That, my friends, is God.

Pleasure: Today I snapped a few photos of my pastor's 2 youngest children. You know photography is my love.
Pray: Today I prayed for my dad (and if you wouldn't mind, please send up a prayer for him too). He is going through a difficult time right now in dealing with me, and I pray for peace for his soul.
Love: Today I folded a basket of laundry for my pastor's wife. Not only does she have 5 young children, but she is also a pastor's wife. She is one busy lady (but a wonderful lady). I am so thankful for her talking with me today. Her words, recommendations, listening ear, and passages of Scripture helped prepare me for my day, and the rest of the journey to my recovery.

Thank you, friends, for everything you've been doing for me, even if it's just letting me take a long nap (thanks, Mikey). I love and pray for every one of you (even if I don't say it on my blog). ;)

Plans for tomorrow:
-Do my little brother's laundry and see my mom's pups (I miss them. The pups, not the laundry!)
-Maybe meet with my advisor about taking the semester off
-Talk to business and financial aid office
-Go to the gym
-Coffee with Mikey
-Maybe a little photoshoot :)

Random/strange (unless you really know me) sidenote: I found this midwifery blog that I often read a long time ago, and I have recommended certain blogs Molly has written to different people. People ask me frequently, "hy midwifery, why birth? Pregnant women are moody, swollen, and birth is gross, painful, and messy." I see it all as captivating, beautiful, and natural, and maybe this is why: because one day I can make a difference in many people's lives. I've never read anything that sums up why I want to be a midwife one day and help the female population, but Molly (the blog writer) wrote extraordinary readons for "Why Do I Care About Birth?" and I totally agreee. See link here.

Day 14

Today was overall, one of the best days I have had in a while. I attended (and didn't hide in a room away from everyone, unlike yesterday) a surprise birthday part for my Aunt Robin (and my true-to-life fairy-godmother; like I don't think I could survive without this woman and she loves me despite every fault of mine). It was a surprise to everyone, but my Aunt Brenda also proposed to renew their vows (to become legally married in the US) to Sandy. After the party, I spent some time with my aunt and Sandy, and then they came over to see my brother's house. My mom brought her furbabies over to my brother's house (Samson and Bella), and I was really happy to see them. I miss them a lot. It was a happy day.

On a random note. Yesterday at my brother's housewarming party, my grandmother (my dad's mom) gave me her watch. I've always remembered her wearing this watch, and I have been looking at it on my wrist all day. I will treasure it forever. I know it's random, but hey, it makes me happy.

Pleasure: Today I ate 3 cupcakes that my cousin, Monique, the extraordinary patissiere, (sorry it's missing the cool thing over the "a", I didn't know how to do it... LOL), of Gateau Monique (don't judge me unless you've had her cake!). Tomorrow I will post a picture of my brother's girlfriend (and hopefully soon, fiancee; Frankie if you're reading ttrhis, you better get on it, bud!) who enjoyed even more cupcakes than me! (I'll have post a picture when I can. It's hilarious and worth waiting for. I love you, Aimee).
Pray: Today I prayed for peace and understanding, not just for me, but those around me (such as those who cut off parts of their family and friends for decisions they make. Hint: we are all sinners, deserve God's grace, and grace, love, forgiveness and acceptance from those around us in order to be made whole again.)
Love: Today I helped with the party preparation for Aunt Robin's surprise birthday party (which was actually kept a surprise, and in my family that's a big deal!).

My to-do list for tomorrow so I don't forget (don't laugh Momma- I know I have a list for everything):

-Meet with Melanie at 10 am
-Find a closer meeting with an advisor from school than Aug 16th
-Go to the financial aid office
-Possibly go grocery shopping for my brother (it's the least I can do; he even "gave" me a room in his house, a key, and said make yourself at home; you are welcome anytime). Did I mention I love him and his beautiful (and really quiet, especially at night) home? Oh, and Frankie, I promise to "annouce myself"! (Family joke and wayyyy TMI).
-Call MD about medication change
-Schedule appt with my (wonderful) boss
-Stop by/call the pottery place, and any other place that looks remotely interesting
-Get things from my Winchester home
-Edit Fernadna and Jason's wedding photos (seriously. way past due).

I'll let you know how far I got on that list, as it looks rather overwhelming to me... (Maybe I can bribe my mom to buy me Starbucks tomorrow).

Day 13 (a little late)

I'm sorry for the late post; I was staying with my brother (in his new house; I even have "my" own room!). Internet is scarce around these parts, which isn't a bad thing unless you have a blog to update!

Pleasure: Today I spend some much needed time with my fiance.
Pray: Today I prayed that everything would go well with my brother's housewarming/birthday party. It was totally awesome. We got the house ready at the very last minute, and everyone I talked to was super impressed and happy for him.
Love: Today I woke up at 7 am, and worked and worked (harder than I have for a long time) to get my brother's house to get everything unpacked, put away, and cleaned.

Still praying for Meghan to make her grand appearance.