Day 12

Still no baby for my cousin, Heidi. We are getting impatient, but trying to stay patient. Do you know how hard that is? We want to meet baby Meghan so bad.

Pleasure: Today I drove an hour and a half to surprise my brother to see him on his birthday (in his new house!)
Pray: Today I prayed for Meghan. I prayed that God would keep her healthy and safe in her momma's womb until she decides to be born. I prayed that she will encounter no distress during delivery and God would wrap his arms around her and protect her not only now, but the rest of her life.
Love: Today I prayed for the same person I prayed for yesterday, which in a strange way is love. I don't need to like or want to have this person in my life, but I want to love them by the standards my God gives me (which means no hate, which is what I am dealing with now).

Love love love to all the friends and family who have been there during this. You all make whole until I can be whole on my own again.

Day 11

Pleasure: Today I took a long nap. I deserved it from the rough (and day) night I had.
Pray: Today I am praying for God to help me forgive someone (I can't say who). Right now, all I feel is bitterness and sadness, but I know in God's time, He will help me forgive. I am so thankful for my faith; most of the time it feels like that's all I know I have (sometimes the things people say to try to console me make me feel more alone).
Love: Today I put away dinner for Heidi and Gavin. I rubbed Heidi's back through contractions. She is so strong and brave, and so incredibly beautiful during labor (I hope it's labor; I hope we are headed to the hospital tonight! I can't wait to be her photographer!). I am thankful for Heidi's pregnancy because it has been a very good distraction for me (plus she takes good care of me).

I need your prayers. Pray for me, and I'll pray for you.

Before a heartache can ever touch my life it has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why
I keep asking why
No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not
I’ll trust You, no matter what
 
I keep replaying these lyrics. They are like balm to my heart and soul, even though I am aching like mad.

Day 10/(maybe the hardest day yet, but we'll be strong like a hurricane)

It felt like my doctor was doing surgery on me inside out when he laid out the pieces of this crazy puzzle for me. A part of me died inside, but part of me was relieved to realize the cause of the GAD and Panic. I cried and cried and wanted to throw everything in his office at him (even though he has nothing to do with what happened to me; he just put all the facts in order for me).

It was in front of my face this whole time; almost literally.

(Dear someone, I never wished bad things on anyone but you, but I don't have to worry about that. I know God and karma will take care of you, because vengance is mine, sayeth the Lord).

In all this, Logan has been such a rock. He's been there for me every second; will drive to the end of the earth to get me and do anything to keep me safe (even if it means staying up all night doing suicide watch (yes it's been that bad before)). I added this song (click link to hear song/view lyrics) to my fancy photography website (click link!), but it truely describes how he (along with my friends and family) have been there for me.

Insecurities take the best of me
And I just want to run
You´re the first to ask
The one who dares to see just how it burns
And as the wind picks up
Throws me on my back and it all goes black
And how do I trust
When I never learned how to do that
And I´ll do what it takes
Take on the demons
Hold on to you

And I want nothing else but to let you love me
And hold you in the light in which you deserve to be
And I want nothing else but to let you see me
And see myself in the light in which I deserve to be
So if you stay stand like a mountain
And if you´re strong we could be a hurricane
And I´ll stay and stand like a mountain
And we´ll be strong we´ll be a hurricane

Pleasure: Today I ate asparagus. I love asparagus (even though it makes your pee smell funny). It's the small things in life, you know?
Pray: Today I prayed for my little brother. He closed on his house today, and officially became a homeowner at the age of 18. This isn't some skimpy little shed of a house (not that there's anything wrong with that, a home is a home, and home is where you plant your heart at the end of the day). He has worked his hiney off, saved and did without things in order to buy a beautiful 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom home. I love it, and I love him. The only time I have ever felt more proud of anyone, is when my fiance graduated college (because I know those years were tough, for both of us). (And yes, I cried like a baby this morning when I thought of my baby brother. He is seriously the best.)
Love: Today I admitted things to people I never thought I ever would or could. I totally believe that honesty is a loving act (even though I never lied, I just never shared this part of my life with people). I know I am surrounded by love and arms that just want to hold me through all the pain I am going through. I couldn't ask for better friends, family, and future hubs. I love them all.

Day 9

Can I just say how much I love my fiance? He is so wonderful. He hold my hand, sends me sweet texts, makes me pee in laughter (for real. TMI- I know). I am doing better the last few days (Thank you Heavenly Father). I have been spending a lot of time reading the trials of Job in my Bible. That's the one thing that has honest-to-God (pun intended!) kept me alive when no one else knew just how much I was dying inside. I have said before how thankful I am for the hands that held me when I just didn't want to exist anymore, but I know that God has placed them in my life to keep me alive and help me stay strong. Today, I am just thankful.

I have also been praying about my decision to go back to school this semester or take a semester off (I know this may be a shock to a lot of people, but heck, this whole me being sick thing may be a shock to people). I am getting married in 2 months and I also have a job I am going to be returning to when I am feeling less agoraphobic and confident. I don't want to rush things, but I don't want to impede my progress with school. I know I will definitely go back in the spring; I just don't think I am yet ready to jump full force into school, work, married life yet, when days ago I could barely shower (gross, I know, but if you've never been this mentally sick, you wouldn't understand), leave my house (again, you'd have to be suffering with what I currently am), and wished myself dead. I am going to talk with my doctor tomorrow and we are going to make the decision together, but ultimately it's my decision.

I have a sneaking suspicion he is going to tell me I am Bipolar. I am not yet sure how I feel about that. I guess I will deal with that if it is a diagnosis, but the first step to the best treatment is an accurate diagnosis, right?

Pleasure: Today I wrote my fiance a long love letter that made me cry in a good way. I am so freakin' thankful for him every day, his love and support through our years together has proved some serious devotion to me. He has stuck with me through the good and bad, and every day he proves to me he is going to be a wonderful husband.
Pray: Today I prayed for my Aunt Diane who has a job interview tomorrow.
Love: Today I send 5 "love letters". Love letters are random little notes I drop in the mail periodically to either thank people for things, or just say "I'm thinking of you".

Day 8

Pleasure: Today I rocked out to 50's classics in the hospital with Heidi.
Pray: Today I prayed for kind and compassionate nurses/doctors during Heidi's labor. Oh, and for her labor to get started already.
Love: Today tended to my very pregnant and contracting cousin, Heidi, which is pretty much all fun for me.

Day 7

Pleasure: Today I put fancy shmancy music on my photography blog (http://www.chelseawaltonphotography.com/). I love it.
Pray: Today I prayed for my fiance.
Love: Today I helped Logan's mom cook dinner (a whole chicken, baked cheese potatoes, green beans, yum).

Day 6

I didn't think I could blog today, but here I am. Sometimes it's too hard to do 3 simple things when you're sick.

Pleasure: Today I watched Samson devour a vanilla ice cream from Pack's for being such a good puppy at school. It was so funny to see him dig and lap every last lick from the the cup. He even tore the cup to shreds trying to get ever bit of ice cream. I never knew I could love an animal so much, and find their personalities even more hilarious than some human's until that silly dog wrapped his paws around my heart.
Pray: Today I prayed for forgiveness from my mom, myself, and my great-grandma. (I loved those glasses, too).
Love: Today I went to "puppy school" with my parents and Samson even though I didn't really want to. I still get anxious around a lot of people and new situations, but as soon as all the pups starting coming in the "puppy school room", I felt more at ease and had a lot of fun.

Day 5

Today is Day 2 off of old medications, and on new ones and my hopes are high that the new ones will do their job. I feel happier and more rested than I have in months, so we shall see how the future days play out.

Pleasure: Today I edited a bunch of Fernanda and Jason's wedding pictures from last Saturday. (I have a photography business (click link to see my blog), and every bit of it is pure pleasure. Even the uncooperative wedding parties, the grumpy toddlers who run from my camera, and the hours and hours I spend perfecting every photo). Click here to see my fancy website.
Pray: Today I prayed for our realtor, Pat Firesheets. Logan and I put a contract on a short sale house,and are praying that we hear from the bank sooner, rather than later. Pat is awesome; sweet as a peach, but aggresive as a bulldog when it comes to taking care of her clients, and so so so helpful and informative.Logan and I have learned so much from Pat as we are trying to buy our first house.
Love: Today I sent "love notes" to some people to thank them for their love and prayers.

Day 4

Today was a great day for me. (I am hoping for many almost anxiety free days eventually).

Pleasure: Today I spent the day with my fiance, Logan. We made the trek to Ikea to get our mattress, among other things for our (eventual) home.
Pray: Today I prayed for my counselor and doctors that have worked so hard to get me to where I am right now. I am sooo thankful for their compassion and perseverance.
Love: Today I patiently (I think/hope) waited for Logan to wander (and wander, and wander... and wander) around Harbor Freight (a tool store). I think we spent 20 minutes in the socket isle alone, but the time spent with him (wherever we are) is always a good time for me.

Day 3

Today I am thankful to be alive thanks to the loving arms that held me tight, especially last night. I am thankful for all the listening ears, wise words, and endless prayers of those going through this thing (panic) with me. I know one day I will be able to look back on this time and know that I am much stronger because of it. I can't yet give up, because there so many people who haven't yet given up on me.

Pleasure: Today I watched really old home videos of my super duper cute fiance as a little boy and laughed a lot.
Pray: Today I prayed for my cousin, Heidi, who is expecting her 1st baby any time now. I know her circumstances are very difficult, but she is going to be a great mom, .
Love: Today I folded a basket of laundry for my (soon-to-be) father-in-law.

Day 2

I have realized that this whole blog thing is going to be much harder than I anticipated. On days like today where I don't even feel like waking up and can't leave my house, it's hard to do something for yourself, let alone someone else. If you're reading this, please send up a prayer for me today.

Even though some days are hard and I want to quit, there are so many people who are rooting for me and lifting me up during the bad days. For instance, my mom knew I was having a bad day and made a surprise visit to see me on her lunch break and brought me an iced coffee. Things like this make me realize just how loved and supported I am. They are the reason I haven't yet given up and keep on going.

Pleasure: Today I drank an iced mocha with no guilt after working out at the gym (thanks Mom!).
Pray: Today I prayed for my cousin, owner of Gateau Monique, because she has been working way too hard lately.
Love: Today I gave my mom a gift to thank her for all of her love, support, and prayers.

Day 1

Life is like the ocean; sometimes calm and beautiful, sometimes rough and ugly. Lately, I've been feeling more of the rough and ugly part. This is the start of my journey through my battle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Disorder (aka panic attacks). The whole point of this is that I want to recognize the beauty in life, reminding myself during the difficult days that life is truely worth living for (cause sometimes my brain makes me think it's not. Stupid serotonin).

I've been reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and the book gave me the idea for this blog. (If you haven't read the book, I recommend it for it is very soul searching). I will (try) to blog daily 3 things: something I did for pleasure, something I prayed for, and a loving act I did for someone. If you read the book it will make much more sense. Eat/pleasure, Pray, and Love.

Day 1:

Pleasure: Today I walked downtown, stopped at a coffee shop and had a latte with my best friend.
Pray: Today I prayed for my family in Kentucky whose homes were damaged in the flood.
Love: Today I exercised my mom's pups (Bella and Samson, who are the loves of my life, beside my fiance, Logan) for her. Trust me, that is quite the job with a lab/collie mix who I think is ADD (oh look, a car! oh, a ball! oh!) and a 9 week old chocolate lab. (I think my mom is crazy.)