It felt like my doctor was doing surgery on me inside out when he laid out the pieces of this crazy puzzle for me. A part of me died inside, but part of me was relieved to realize the cause of the GAD and Panic. I cried and cried and wanted to throw everything in his office at him (even though he has nothing to do with what happened to me; he just put all the facts in order for me).
It was in front of my face this whole time; almost literally.
(Dear someone, I never wished bad things on anyone but you, but I don't have to worry about that. I know God and karma will take care of you, because vengance is mine, sayeth the Lord).
In all this, Logan has been such a rock. He's been there for me every second; will drive to the end of the earth to get me and do anything to keep me safe (even if it means staying up all night doing suicide watch (yes it's been that bad before)). I added this song (click link to hear song/view lyrics) to my fancy photography website (click link!), but it truely describes how he (along with my friends and family) have been there for me.
Insecurities take the best of me
And I just want to run
You´re the first to ask
The one who dares to see just how it burns
And as the wind picks up
Throws me on my back and it all goes black
And how do I trust
When I never learned how to do that
And I´ll do what it takes
Take on the demons
Hold on to you
And I want nothing else but to let you love me
And hold you in the light in which you deserve to be
And I want nothing else but to let you see me
And see myself in the light in which I deserve to be
So if you stay stand like a mountain
And if you´re strong we could be a hurricane
And I´ll stay and stand like a mountain
And we´ll be strong we´ll be a hurricane
Pleasure: Today I ate asparagus. I love asparagus (even though it makes your pee smell funny). It's the small things in life, you know?
Pray: Today I prayed for my little brother. He closed on his house today, and officially became a homeowner at the age of 18. This isn't some skimpy little shed of a house (not that there's anything wrong with that, a home is a home, and home is where you plant your heart at the end of the day). He has worked his hiney off, saved and did without things in order to buy a beautiful 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom home. I love it, and I love him. The only time I have ever felt more proud of anyone, is when my fiance graduated college (because I know those years were tough, for both of us). (And yes, I cried like a baby this morning when I thought of my baby brother. He is seriously the best.)
Love: Today I admitted things to people I never thought I ever would or could. I totally believe that honesty is a loving act (even though I never lied, I just never shared this part of my life with people). I know I am surrounded by love and arms that just want to hold me through all the pain I am going through. I couldn't ask for better friends, family, and future hubs. I love them all.
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